reflect...

Today is friday. Madaling araw na pero di pa rin ako makatulog. Sumasakit ang tuhod ko. Wala na akong gamot. Its been a week since i had my last capsule. I dont want to take it anymore. I stopped the medication without the doctor's advice. Para saan pa? Ive been spending thousands for this yet i can still feel the pain.

This agony made me reflect on the stations of the cross... the passion of the Christ. My formation years as a seminarian taught me how to endure pain and lift it up to the Supreme Master and accept everything as a grace.

As I look back to Jesus' time, I feel that the my pain is far more bearable than his. He exprienced profound solidarity with so many undeserved by being beaten and tortured. He is wrongfully condemend to punishment by death. Ang sa akin sisiw lang. Kaya dapat kayanin ko.

I closed my eyes, I imagine Christ carrying his cross. His commitment to entering our lives completely begins its final steps. He has said yes to God and placed his life in God’s hands. I follow him in this final surrender and contemplate with reverence each place along the way as he is broken and given for me... for us. As he carries his cross, he is entering into full human experience. He walks in the path of human misery and suffering and experincing its crushing weight. As I view the scene, I become moved by both gratitude and outrage. I look at Jesus. His face... the crown of thorns... the blood. His clothes stuck on the wounds on his back. Jesus' hands are tied behind his back. This is for me... that i might be free...

I looked into his eyes. Its all there. Then suddenly he falls to the ground. The weight of the cross is unbearable. He falls under it. How could he enter our lives completely without surrendering to the crushing weight of the life of so many undeserved. He lays on the ground and knows the experience of weakness beneath unfair burdens. He feels the powerlessness of wondering if he will ever be able to continue. He was pulled up and made to continue. Now I know He understands my fatigue and my defeat. He too experienced it all.

As I journey with Him I saw his face bearing the pain. Then the soldiers forced a man to help him carry the cross. Now I undrestand. He too experienced our struggle to recieve help. He has made to experience the poverty of not being able to carry his burden alone. He enters into the experience of all who must depend upon others to survive. He is deprived of the satisfaction of carrying this burden on his own. I know, He knows my inabilty to carry my burden alone.

Even with help he falls and stumbles to the ground. In deep exhaustion he stares at the earth beneath him. Remember, you are dust and to dust you will return. He has seen death before, now he can feel the profound weakness, disability, and disease itself... there, on his knees, under the weight of his cross. Now, I let my heart go out to him. I will keep this image of Jesus on the ground before me in my heart, knowing that I will never feel alone in my suffering.

The women of Jerusalem and their children come out to comfort and thank him. They had seen his compassion and welcomed his words of healing and freedom. He had broken all kinds of social and religious conventions to connect with them. Now they are here to support him. He feels their grief. He suffers. Knowing he cant remain to help them more in this life. He knows the mystery of facing the separation of death.

Then, He falls the third time. This last fall is devastating. He cant barely proceed to the end yet he stuggled to get up just to make it to the hill of crucifixion. How completely he loves me. Upon reaching the top of the hill, He is stripped of his garments. He is naked. He is completely stripped of any pride. The wounds on his back has turned open again. He experienced the ultimate vulnerability of the defenseless. No shield or security protects him. As they stare at him, his eyes turned to heaven. Then, huge nails are hammered through his hands and feet to fix him on the cross. He is bleeding much more seriously now. As the cross is lifted up the weight of his life hangs on those nails. Everythime he struggles to pull himself up to breathe, his ability to cling to life slips away...

Now tell me, can there be pain and agony he could not understand? May God give me more courage to stand and bear the pain. I just pray that my family can accept everything kapag dumating na ang oras ng aking pagpanaw.