reflect...

Today is friday. Madaling araw na pero di pa rin ako makatulog. Sumasakit ang tuhod ko. Wala na akong gamot. Its been a week since i had my last capsule. I dont want to take it anymore. I stopped the medication without the doctor's advice. Para saan pa? Ive been spending thousands for this yet i can still feel the pain.

This agony made me reflect on the stations of the cross... the passion of the Christ. My formation years as a seminarian taught me how to endure pain and lift it up to the Supreme Master and accept everything as a grace.

As I look back to Jesus' time, I feel that the my pain is far more bearable than his. He exprienced profound solidarity with so many undeserved by being beaten and tortured. He is wrongfully condemend to punishment by death. Ang sa akin sisiw lang. Kaya dapat kayanin ko.

I closed my eyes, I imagine Christ carrying his cross. His commitment to entering our lives completely begins its final steps. He has said yes to God and placed his life in God’s hands. I follow him in this final surrender and contemplate with reverence each place along the way as he is broken and given for me... for us. As he carries his cross, he is entering into full human experience. He walks in the path of human misery and suffering and experincing its crushing weight. As I view the scene, I become moved by both gratitude and outrage. I look at Jesus. His face... the crown of thorns... the blood. His clothes stuck on the wounds on his back. Jesus' hands are tied behind his back. This is for me... that i might be free...

I looked into his eyes. Its all there. Then suddenly he falls to the ground. The weight of the cross is unbearable. He falls under it. How could he enter our lives completely without surrendering to the crushing weight of the life of so many undeserved. He lays on the ground and knows the experience of weakness beneath unfair burdens. He feels the powerlessness of wondering if he will ever be able to continue. He was pulled up and made to continue. Now I know He understands my fatigue and my defeat. He too experienced it all.

As I journey with Him I saw his face bearing the pain. Then the soldiers forced a man to help him carry the cross. Now I undrestand. He too experienced our struggle to recieve help. He has made to experience the poverty of not being able to carry his burden alone. He enters into the experience of all who must depend upon others to survive. He is deprived of the satisfaction of carrying this burden on his own. I know, He knows my inabilty to carry my burden alone.

Even with help he falls and stumbles to the ground. In deep exhaustion he stares at the earth beneath him. Remember, you are dust and to dust you will return. He has seen death before, now he can feel the profound weakness, disability, and disease itself... there, on his knees, under the weight of his cross. Now, I let my heart go out to him. I will keep this image of Jesus on the ground before me in my heart, knowing that I will never feel alone in my suffering.

The women of Jerusalem and their children come out to comfort and thank him. They had seen his compassion and welcomed his words of healing and freedom. He had broken all kinds of social and religious conventions to connect with them. Now they are here to support him. He feels their grief. He suffers. Knowing he cant remain to help them more in this life. He knows the mystery of facing the separation of death.

Then, He falls the third time. This last fall is devastating. He cant barely proceed to the end yet he stuggled to get up just to make it to the hill of crucifixion. How completely he loves me. Upon reaching the top of the hill, He is stripped of his garments. He is naked. He is completely stripped of any pride. The wounds on his back has turned open again. He experienced the ultimate vulnerability of the defenseless. No shield or security protects him. As they stare at him, his eyes turned to heaven. Then, huge nails are hammered through his hands and feet to fix him on the cross. He is bleeding much more seriously now. As the cross is lifted up the weight of his life hangs on those nails. Everythime he struggles to pull himself up to breathe, his ability to cling to life slips away...

Now tell me, can there be pain and agony he could not understand? May God give me more courage to stand and bear the pain. I just pray that my family can accept everything kapag dumating na ang oras ng aking pagpanaw.

total renovation

Mahal nya ako!! Dalawang araw na kaming nag-uusap. Ang saya! Di pa ako nakaranas ng ganitong tuwa. Palagi akong naa-amazed sa mga ginagawa nya! Kinantahan nya ako ng Wildflower, then introduced me to punk rock songs. Hmmmmm I know Im not really into this type of songs. But then everything changed! Gusto ko na yun ngayon. A total renovation.

At eto pa, pinakilala nya ako sa kanyang sister! Waaaahhhh! I feel so special! I love you so much!

Hehe.. sleep na ako. Its been a long happy day!
Nytie nyt...

enchanted

hmmm isang oras na ako nakatambay sa lobby pero parang di ko man lang naramdamang mainip. this night is so unusual. para akong kinakabahan.

habang nakinig sa usapan ng mga nasa lobby, natawag ang pansin ko ng isang taong parang iba ang dating sa akin. sinubukan kong magpapansin pero wa epek. bigla akong natigilan. nagdasal... sana mapansin ako kahit di ako gagawa ng eksena. naghintay ako ng matagal pero walang nangyayari. napagpasyahan ko na lumipat na lang ng ibang lobby. wala ng chance para makilala ko ang taong yun.

habang nasa main lobby, a friend requested me to sing "ngiti". para maaliw din ako, pinagbigyan ko na. habang nasa kalagitnaan ng kanta napansin ko na ang taong nikita ko sa ibang lobby ay lumipat din sa lobby kung saan ako naroroon. hala lagot! kinabahan ako ng todo. no ang gagawin ko?


mas lalo akong natulala ng dinock nya ako. nakikinig sya sa akin. todo ngiti ko para di mahalata na kinakabahan na ako. this is it!

click

3pm na ako nagising. pinanood ko ang "clïck" ni adam sandler. di ko maiwasang maiyak sa later part ng pelikula ng banggitin nya ang mga katagang "family comes first". sa loob ng limang taon kong pagtatrabaho sa radyo, sinikap kong maging magaling na empleyado. my loyalty to the company is beyond expectations. my dream to be a boss someday made me work 18 hours a day, multi-tasking job, sunod-sunuran sa superiors, alipin at utusan, walang break that i almost forget about spending time with my family. dumating nga ang pinapangarap kong bituin. i got promoted and bacame the youngest radio station manager of the country. pero huli na ang lahat kasi napabayaan ko ng pamilya ko. namatay ang tatay na hindi nya natitikman ng katas ng paghihirap ng kanyang panganay. kung pwede ko lang sana ibalik ang panahon. ang mga oras na sana ay kasama ko si tatay. ang mga pagkakataon na sana ay magkasama kaming lahat lalo na sa mga importanteng selebrasyon kagaya ng pasko at bagong taon... wala na ang aming ama. pumanaw sya ng napaka-aga.

on a more somber note, di madali ang maging boss. sinikap kong maging isang mabait at maunawain na boss. ang mga bagay na di ko naranasan sa dating administration ay ibinigay ko sa aking mga staff. ibang method ang ginamit ko sa pamamalakad ng opisina. i want to be treated as a friend than a boss. im more considerate and understanding. sinubukan ko pa nga intindihin ang mga personal nilang pangangailangan lalo na pag ang pinag-uusapan ay mga family matters. my goal to make a difference in this world ang syang nagtulak sa akin na ibahin ang style ng pamamalakad. di nababasa sa mga libro ng siyensya ang method ko. puso ang pinapairal ko. kindness is the virtue that i admire the most at paulit-ulit kong sinasabi na they dont have to repay my kindness, they just pass it on to others. sabihin mo ngayon kung mali ang ginagawa ko. sa mundong halos lahat ay gahaman sa pera at kapangyarihan sino ba ang dapat mag-simula ng pagbabago? di ba tayo din? simulan sa pagiging isang mabuting halimbawa sa iba di ba? mas gusto ko pang makita na ginagawa nila ang mga bagay dahil yun ang nararapat gawin hindi yung dahil inutusan ko silang gawin yun. ayaw kong maging dictador. ang mga tauhan ko ay binibigyan ko ng kalayaan hoping that they will develop responsibility. pero di yun ang nangyayari. ang iba ay umaabuso na. minsan nga ako ang pinakahuling tao na makaalam kung ano ang nangyayari. parang ang presence ko ay nandyan lang kapag meron silang problema. at kung merong problema sa opisina. troubleshooter ba ang dating. hayyy iba ang nadudulot ng kasikatan. lumalaki ang ulo ng mga gago (im sorry for using this term. blog ko to and i can be as casual as i want). am i still on the top of everything? maybe its time to evaluate my management methodology.

dapat noon pa natutunan ko ng i-balanse ang lahat. i hope this is never too late.
so help me God...

valentine's day daw

15 minutes na lang on-air na ako. ang hirap sa trabaho ko ay kailangan kong magpanggap. vespera ng valentines day at kailangan na pupunuin ko ng pagmamahal ang airwaves. pano ko magagawa yun eh ako nga walang wala? i mean wala akong date. toink!

bigay ako ng bigay ng tips on dating sa radyo pero ako nga di makahanap. toink again... yan kasi trabaho ko. ang magbigay kasiyahan sa mga malulungkot ang gabi, sa mga pagod at nalilito. pero ang di nila alam, yung taong hinahangaan nila ay sya ring nangangailangan ng pagdamay.

nakakatuwa! sobrang nakakatuwa!!! o sya late na ako... till then
HAPPY HEARTS DAY na lang sa lahat.

grrrrrrrrrrrr...

2:00pm na ako nagising. di maganda ang gising ko dahil sa dalawang phone calls. una, galing sa magiging mother-in-law ko sana na nasa singapore ngayon. ewan ko kung ano na namang hangin ang pumapasok sa kukuti ng mga yun at patuloy pa rin akong kinukulit. mag dadalawang taon na! di pa ba nila ako titigilan sa naudlot kong kasal? this people cant get over me.

second call is from the head office na nagmamadaling i-submit ko raw kaagad ang costing ng recorida para sa event ng unilab sa boracay. ang mahirap sa head office pag sila ang humuhingi ng favor, dapat andyan kaagad. pero pag kaming mga provincial stations ang magrequest from them, aabutin ng taon bago marelease. tama ba naman yun? mag-uumpisa pa lang ang araw ko pero ganito na kaagad ang eksena.

makapunta nga ng jonah's para mag fruit shake. toink...

welcome

unang post ko sa blog na ito ngayong taon. salamat naman at natagpuan ko muli ang blog na ito. mahigit isng taon ko na ring hindi na update ang laman nito.

di ko alam kung bakit sa dinami-dami ng pwedeng gawin eh yung paggawa ng bagong blog ang unang pumasok sa isip ko ngayong umaga. marahil ay wala akong ibang outlet kundi ang internet. malungkot mabuhay mag-isa. sa cyberworld lang ako magiging panatag. feeling ko napapawi ang pagod at lungkot ng buhay kapag may internet. napapahayag ko ng mga saloobin ko ng walang takot.dalawang araw akong nawalan ng internet connection dahil sa kung sinong harabas ang kumalikot sa modem ko. kaya yun tuloy, parang nawalan din ako ng ganang kumilos. anyway marami pang entries ang isusuat ko dito. ito na ang magiging official tambayan ko mula sa araw na ito.. maraming salamat e-blog at natagpuan kita. toink

so this is it... later (need to sleep now... di pa ako natutulog since last night)