reflect...

Today is friday. Madaling araw na pero di pa rin ako makatulog. Sumasakit ang tuhod ko. Wala na akong gamot. Its been a week since i had my last capsule. I dont want to take it anymore. I stopped the medication without the doctor's advice. Para saan pa? Ive been spending thousands for this yet i can still feel the pain.

This agony made me reflect on the stations of the cross... the passion of the Christ. My formation years as a seminarian taught me how to endure pain and lift it up to the Supreme Master and accept everything as a grace.

As I look back to Jesus' time, I feel that the my pain is far more bearable than his. He exprienced profound solidarity with so many undeserved by being beaten and tortured. He is wrongfully condemend to punishment by death. Ang sa akin sisiw lang. Kaya dapat kayanin ko.

I closed my eyes, I imagine Christ carrying his cross. His commitment to entering our lives completely begins its final steps. He has said yes to God and placed his life in God’s hands. I follow him in this final surrender and contemplate with reverence each place along the way as he is broken and given for me... for us. As he carries his cross, he is entering into full human experience. He walks in the path of human misery and suffering and experincing its crushing weight. As I view the scene, I become moved by both gratitude and outrage. I look at Jesus. His face... the crown of thorns... the blood. His clothes stuck on the wounds on his back. Jesus' hands are tied behind his back. This is for me... that i might be free...

I looked into his eyes. Its all there. Then suddenly he falls to the ground. The weight of the cross is unbearable. He falls under it. How could he enter our lives completely without surrendering to the crushing weight of the life of so many undeserved. He lays on the ground and knows the experience of weakness beneath unfair burdens. He feels the powerlessness of wondering if he will ever be able to continue. He was pulled up and made to continue. Now I know He understands my fatigue and my defeat. He too experienced it all.

As I journey with Him I saw his face bearing the pain. Then the soldiers forced a man to help him carry the cross. Now I undrestand. He too experienced our struggle to recieve help. He has made to experience the poverty of not being able to carry his burden alone. He enters into the experience of all who must depend upon others to survive. He is deprived of the satisfaction of carrying this burden on his own. I know, He knows my inabilty to carry my burden alone.

Even with help he falls and stumbles to the ground. In deep exhaustion he stares at the earth beneath him. Remember, you are dust and to dust you will return. He has seen death before, now he can feel the profound weakness, disability, and disease itself... there, on his knees, under the weight of his cross. Now, I let my heart go out to him. I will keep this image of Jesus on the ground before me in my heart, knowing that I will never feel alone in my suffering.

The women of Jerusalem and their children come out to comfort and thank him. They had seen his compassion and welcomed his words of healing and freedom. He had broken all kinds of social and religious conventions to connect with them. Now they are here to support him. He feels their grief. He suffers. Knowing he cant remain to help them more in this life. He knows the mystery of facing the separation of death.

Then, He falls the third time. This last fall is devastating. He cant barely proceed to the end yet he stuggled to get up just to make it to the hill of crucifixion. How completely he loves me. Upon reaching the top of the hill, He is stripped of his garments. He is naked. He is completely stripped of any pride. The wounds on his back has turned open again. He experienced the ultimate vulnerability of the defenseless. No shield or security protects him. As they stare at him, his eyes turned to heaven. Then, huge nails are hammered through his hands and feet to fix him on the cross. He is bleeding much more seriously now. As the cross is lifted up the weight of his life hangs on those nails. Everythime he struggles to pull himself up to breathe, his ability to cling to life slips away...

Now tell me, can there be pain and agony he could not understand? May God give me more courage to stand and bear the pain. I just pray that my family can accept everything kapag dumating na ang oras ng aking pagpanaw.

total renovation

Mahal nya ako!! Dalawang araw na kaming nag-uusap. Ang saya! Di pa ako nakaranas ng ganitong tuwa. Palagi akong naa-amazed sa mga ginagawa nya! Kinantahan nya ako ng Wildflower, then introduced me to punk rock songs. Hmmmmm I know Im not really into this type of songs. But then everything changed! Gusto ko na yun ngayon. A total renovation.

At eto pa, pinakilala nya ako sa kanyang sister! Waaaahhhh! I feel so special! I love you so much!

Hehe.. sleep na ako. Its been a long happy day!
Nytie nyt...

enchanted

hmmm isang oras na ako nakatambay sa lobby pero parang di ko man lang naramdamang mainip. this night is so unusual. para akong kinakabahan.

habang nakinig sa usapan ng mga nasa lobby, natawag ang pansin ko ng isang taong parang iba ang dating sa akin. sinubukan kong magpapansin pero wa epek. bigla akong natigilan. nagdasal... sana mapansin ako kahit di ako gagawa ng eksena. naghintay ako ng matagal pero walang nangyayari. napagpasyahan ko na lumipat na lang ng ibang lobby. wala ng chance para makilala ko ang taong yun.

habang nasa main lobby, a friend requested me to sing "ngiti". para maaliw din ako, pinagbigyan ko na. habang nasa kalagitnaan ng kanta napansin ko na ang taong nikita ko sa ibang lobby ay lumipat din sa lobby kung saan ako naroroon. hala lagot! kinabahan ako ng todo. no ang gagawin ko?


mas lalo akong natulala ng dinock nya ako. nakikinig sya sa akin. todo ngiti ko para di mahalata na kinakabahan na ako. this is it!

click

3pm na ako nagising. pinanood ko ang "clïck" ni adam sandler. di ko maiwasang maiyak sa later part ng pelikula ng banggitin nya ang mga katagang "family comes first". sa loob ng limang taon kong pagtatrabaho sa radyo, sinikap kong maging magaling na empleyado. my loyalty to the company is beyond expectations. my dream to be a boss someday made me work 18 hours a day, multi-tasking job, sunod-sunuran sa superiors, alipin at utusan, walang break that i almost forget about spending time with my family. dumating nga ang pinapangarap kong bituin. i got promoted and bacame the youngest radio station manager of the country. pero huli na ang lahat kasi napabayaan ko ng pamilya ko. namatay ang tatay na hindi nya natitikman ng katas ng paghihirap ng kanyang panganay. kung pwede ko lang sana ibalik ang panahon. ang mga oras na sana ay kasama ko si tatay. ang mga pagkakataon na sana ay magkasama kaming lahat lalo na sa mga importanteng selebrasyon kagaya ng pasko at bagong taon... wala na ang aming ama. pumanaw sya ng napaka-aga.

on a more somber note, di madali ang maging boss. sinikap kong maging isang mabait at maunawain na boss. ang mga bagay na di ko naranasan sa dating administration ay ibinigay ko sa aking mga staff. ibang method ang ginamit ko sa pamamalakad ng opisina. i want to be treated as a friend than a boss. im more considerate and understanding. sinubukan ko pa nga intindihin ang mga personal nilang pangangailangan lalo na pag ang pinag-uusapan ay mga family matters. my goal to make a difference in this world ang syang nagtulak sa akin na ibahin ang style ng pamamalakad. di nababasa sa mga libro ng siyensya ang method ko. puso ang pinapairal ko. kindness is the virtue that i admire the most at paulit-ulit kong sinasabi na they dont have to repay my kindness, they just pass it on to others. sabihin mo ngayon kung mali ang ginagawa ko. sa mundong halos lahat ay gahaman sa pera at kapangyarihan sino ba ang dapat mag-simula ng pagbabago? di ba tayo din? simulan sa pagiging isang mabuting halimbawa sa iba di ba? mas gusto ko pang makita na ginagawa nila ang mga bagay dahil yun ang nararapat gawin hindi yung dahil inutusan ko silang gawin yun. ayaw kong maging dictador. ang mga tauhan ko ay binibigyan ko ng kalayaan hoping that they will develop responsibility. pero di yun ang nangyayari. ang iba ay umaabuso na. minsan nga ako ang pinakahuling tao na makaalam kung ano ang nangyayari. parang ang presence ko ay nandyan lang kapag meron silang problema. at kung merong problema sa opisina. troubleshooter ba ang dating. hayyy iba ang nadudulot ng kasikatan. lumalaki ang ulo ng mga gago (im sorry for using this term. blog ko to and i can be as casual as i want). am i still on the top of everything? maybe its time to evaluate my management methodology.

dapat noon pa natutunan ko ng i-balanse ang lahat. i hope this is never too late.
so help me God...

valentine's day daw

15 minutes na lang on-air na ako. ang hirap sa trabaho ko ay kailangan kong magpanggap. vespera ng valentines day at kailangan na pupunuin ko ng pagmamahal ang airwaves. pano ko magagawa yun eh ako nga walang wala? i mean wala akong date. toink!

bigay ako ng bigay ng tips on dating sa radyo pero ako nga di makahanap. toink again... yan kasi trabaho ko. ang magbigay kasiyahan sa mga malulungkot ang gabi, sa mga pagod at nalilito. pero ang di nila alam, yung taong hinahangaan nila ay sya ring nangangailangan ng pagdamay.

nakakatuwa! sobrang nakakatuwa!!! o sya late na ako... till then
HAPPY HEARTS DAY na lang sa lahat.

grrrrrrrrrrrr...

2:00pm na ako nagising. di maganda ang gising ko dahil sa dalawang phone calls. una, galing sa magiging mother-in-law ko sana na nasa singapore ngayon. ewan ko kung ano na namang hangin ang pumapasok sa kukuti ng mga yun at patuloy pa rin akong kinukulit. mag dadalawang taon na! di pa ba nila ako titigilan sa naudlot kong kasal? this people cant get over me.

second call is from the head office na nagmamadaling i-submit ko raw kaagad ang costing ng recorida para sa event ng unilab sa boracay. ang mahirap sa head office pag sila ang humuhingi ng favor, dapat andyan kaagad. pero pag kaming mga provincial stations ang magrequest from them, aabutin ng taon bago marelease. tama ba naman yun? mag-uumpisa pa lang ang araw ko pero ganito na kaagad ang eksena.

makapunta nga ng jonah's para mag fruit shake. toink...

welcome

unang post ko sa blog na ito ngayong taon. salamat naman at natagpuan ko muli ang blog na ito. mahigit isng taon ko na ring hindi na update ang laman nito.

di ko alam kung bakit sa dinami-dami ng pwedeng gawin eh yung paggawa ng bagong blog ang unang pumasok sa isip ko ngayong umaga. marahil ay wala akong ibang outlet kundi ang internet. malungkot mabuhay mag-isa. sa cyberworld lang ako magiging panatag. feeling ko napapawi ang pagod at lungkot ng buhay kapag may internet. napapahayag ko ng mga saloobin ko ng walang takot.dalawang araw akong nawalan ng internet connection dahil sa kung sinong harabas ang kumalikot sa modem ko. kaya yun tuloy, parang nawalan din ako ng ganang kumilos. anyway marami pang entries ang isusuat ko dito. ito na ang magiging official tambayan ko mula sa araw na ito.. maraming salamat e-blog at natagpuan kita. toink

so this is it... later (need to sleep now... di pa ako natutulog since last night)

Look at the most loving option...

The cusp that exists between the end of the old year and the beginning of the new year is a gentle twilight that draws us into its folds for quiet, deep reflection. It is usually the time we commit to making changes and improvements within ourselves so our lives may become more meaningful and worthwhile. It is easy to get caught in the daily busyness of work and routines that blur the days together into a fog of forgetting.It is at this point that a need for meditation enters. Meditation provides us with the opportunity to return to ourselves; to the spirit within us that is the source of our renewal and guidance. Each moment that we live is a grace. Let us spend this time to review the past year, and see all of the changes that have taken place within our lives; remarkable changes per se…

I was talking to a seminary friend few nights ago. The conversation lasted until dawn. It was a remarkable point in my life. It seemed that everything went back to zero. I felt like an empty vacuum. It was indeed an encounter with my god, He-Who-Is-Intimately-Involved... I must admit I am greatly troubled these past months. I was in a situation that seemed to be unbearable. But thanks to this seminary friend of mine, I feel like everything now is in order... He told me to look at the most loving option as the solution to my dilemma. I can’t help but post it here all that he said to me…

“Darius, do what moves you to love—love that is beyond your needs because it springs from your higher values. Sometimes, what complicates life is that we could not see clearly at which point our love is in the huge continuum of love. Love is practical; it is not based on impulse. It is based on the alignment of your heart, mind, and spirit. To discern means to see through what others think, what your culture dictates, and what you thought is the best political move you can make. This requires courage; and courage is more noble than winning. Be compassionate with yourself. Our minds are designed to get addicted, to get obsessed. It never works in a vacuum. But accepting this fact doesn’t mean you become a slave of your passions. Don’t ever make this fact—that the mind is designed to get addicted—as an excuse… ever. Your present moment requires you to go back to the center, which is self-knowledge, redefining the I. This requires courage, too, because you will face areas of you that you have ignored before. They are part of you but they do not define you. There is always the primacy of the whole. Once you emphasize only one part of you—either your wounds or your achievements—you are disintegrated because you don’t see yourself as a whole. Finding your true voice starts with holding yourself altogether. Compartmentalizing certain parts of you is an injustice. Everything connects. A pearl is not a pearl if not because of the dirt that gets into the mouth of its clam.

To trust God in any situation that you are into is genius; to trust only the situation is mere naiveté. You have to learn to listen. A Carmelite once wrote that to listen means to see things from the viewpoint of faith, to seek to discern and judge life—how it really is and where we are going. I admire your growing trust in God, no question about it, but you have to learn how to dance with Him. You have to learn his steps, his moves, and his pauses. And as I listen to your stories, He wants to dance with you towards your center. This requires letting go of living in the periphery, in the circumference. This requires discipline. This requires courage. Take one step at a time. It doesn’t matter if it’s slow as long as you aren’t stagnant. What is important is your sincerity and He’ll arrange everything else. “

He then added, “The decision to grow is with you. But don’t let your fears eat you. The real issue is not making a choice between a deemed necessity that will bear a long term pain versus a short term pain that will however make you loosen up. The issue is authenticity. And any authentic choice happens only when the mind, the heart, and the spirit are aligned—the authentic you. This is your birthright. This is also what God wants to happen. Less drama. Less feeling like a victim. More peace. More of being you and finding you.

piensa te...

untitled

You are intensely committed, to a vision, a goal, a dream. You are devoted to this vision because you know it will make the world a better place for yourself and everyone else. You believe that, regardless of the effort it takes, following through with this goal will ultimately make your life more fulfilling, more altruistic, loftier.
Then along comes life. And with it the ups and downs, the challenges and the obstacles.

You're not sure of the cause, but at some point, you find that you have swerved from your path. It might have been restlessness or boredom with the monotony of the day to day living. Or perhaps it was a spirit of impulsiveness, a rebellion against the swerves that life has thrown you.

What would you do then? What if you discovered mali ang path na tinatahak mo?

Common wisdom, laced with its jaded cynicism, says there's no turning back the clock. Move on with life, leave your childish idealism behind and face the reality of adulthood. Life is not a bed of roses; you need to look out for yourself and your needs. Forget your lofty ideals; a path of sacrifice is not where you will find fulfillment. And anyways, once you have already veered off the path, it can never be the same. It's simply too late.

True growth is not about only persevering on one straight path. Only after tasting of the bitter waters of life, only after struggling and stumbling and standing up against the darker forces of our world, do we become a greater, more courageous and enriched human being. Only after straying and then rebounding are we driven with a stronger yearning for inner unity and divine life. Only after experiencing the darkness of life's night and the desolation of its winters do we attain an even more intense and meaningful bond with God.

Thanks God, i was not hopeless, though I'm depressed... akala ko I'm getting nearer to the end of my rope. Buti na lang nandyan ka doc... pushing me to move on and face the realities of life, assuring me that everything will be alright...

Bitter waters of life taste good after all...

after a hard day's work

This afternoon I was on board for my 5-6pm radio program. Normally, my play list is made up of folk, rock, and country music and some local alternative hits. I had this very persistent caller who dialed the phone 10 times just to hear his favorite song. Feeling annoyed, I granted the request. Suddenly the lyrics of the song struck me. Napaisip ako ng todo. Bakit kaya may ganun?

"There's a fruitcake for everybody, there's a fruitcake for everyone. There are three sides of every story....." These are the lines of the song of the Eraserheads entitled "Fruitcake" which kept a lot of people asking; "why 3 sides?" Reality is matter of perspective. Most of the time people see reality from their own point of view and conclude that this reality is the TRUTH irregardless of how the other person would see it. However, the epistemological process is not just limited to the subject interpreting the object. It is the relationship of the subject and the object. And talking about the truth as conformity to knowledge, fact, actuality & logic, therefore personal interpretations does not cover the whole of the so called "truth". This will lead to the "third side" of the truth which possibly could neither be found in the subject nor the object. It could be that this truth is the product of the relationship or experience between the subject and the object. However, this reality which is the product of the said experience becomes a "mystery". It is not the poverty but the richness of the said experience. It is a reality which man cannot speak directly. To attempt to clarify this said experience is to draw on analogies afforded by the experience of the world.

In the movie Goodwill Hunting, the psychologist who was played by Robin Williams asked his student: "If I am going to ask you about Michelangelo, probably you are going to tell me about his personality, his works, the Sistine Chapel or even his sexual orientation. But can you tell me the smell of Sistine Chapel?" This dialogue in that movie is a typical comparison between understanding and perception as based from readings and from concrete experiences. There is a great difference between seeing things from afar just like reading them in the books or watching movies and the like than being there and getting involved. In the movies or in books, it is the author or the director's point of view which guides the spectator or the reader what to see or where to see. Not counting out the role of the Music Director who is there to add music to lead the feelings of the spectators. But real life is not like the said experience. Just like in the movie Walk in the Clouds, when the leading lady's father told her: "Tell me the truth!" she responded, "Who's side of truth, yours or mine?" The closer a subject gets to the object, the more engrossed and affected the subject becomes and in the process, the subjects identity could not be separated anymore from the object because they are involved with each other.
Ang dami ko nang sinabi... hehe ang gulo...

All i want to say is that let us just be reminded that still there are things in this world which doesn't change: sincerity, concern, compassion...... And there is this four-letter word which is most often neglected: LOOK!

honda civic ride

Aristotles' taxonomy begins with the premise that there are three main reasons why one person might like someone else. (The verb, “philein,” which is cognate to the noun “philia,” can sometimes be translated “like” or even “love”—though in other cases philia involves very little in the way of feeling.) One might like someone because he is good, or because he is useful, or because he is pleasant. And so there are three bases for friendships, depending on which of these qualities binds friends together. When two individuals recognize that the other person is someone of good character, and they spend time with each other, engaged in activities that exercise their virtues, then they form one kind of friendship. If they are equally virtuous, their friendship is perfect. If, however, there is a large gap in their moral development, then although their relationship may be based on the other person's good character, it will be imperfect precisely because of their inequality...

In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the blue crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

In elementary school your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the restroom with you; held your hand as you walked through the scary halls; helped you stand up to the class bully; shared their snacks with you when you forgot yours; knew who you had a crush on and never understood why.
In high school your idea of a good friend was the person who let you copy their mathematics homework; went to that "cool" party with you so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshie there; convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded; consoled you when you broke up with your girlfriend; found you a date to the prom or went to the prom with you (both without dates hehehe); helped you pick a university and assured you that you would get into that university; helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time letting you go.

On the threshold of adulthood your idea of a good friend was the person who was there when you just couldn't deal with your parents; assured you that you and your girlfriend were back together after some relationship problems; assured you could make it through anything and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes.

Now, my idea of a good friend is the person who gives you the better of the two choices, hold your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!
Para sa'yo, thank you for being a friend.

No matter where we go or who we become, i will never forget you, who helped me organize myself, my work, and maximize my potentials to get there...

Maraming salamat sa honda civic ride...